Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
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ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Meow
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day