Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
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My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *