[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
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Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years