Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
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Des Moines Police having a normal one
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.