Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
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I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I feel this so hard
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.