I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
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Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
So that’s what we looked like?
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Hero horse inspires millions
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.