[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
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Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?