[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
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friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.