My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
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calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.