I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
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[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad