when dads have a rap battle
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I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.