I am crying
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At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.