Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
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“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Meanwhile in Portland…
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
No, I don’t think I will.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
As the Lord intended
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers