When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
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You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Don’t touch that.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Beware…..
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin