Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
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Cinematography is my passion
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”