me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
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When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude