You saw nothing. I am ham.
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Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Well, this is awkward
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.