I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
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Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither