If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
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My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S