6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
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You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist