People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
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Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!