[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
You Might Also Like
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes