I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
You Might Also Like
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*