I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
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ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
i choose….tongue
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please