I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
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If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
That’s enough internet for the day
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*