Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
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WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
titanic
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Growing up was a huge mistake
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.