Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
You Might Also Like
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.