A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
You Might Also Like
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Me too
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….