“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
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I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
is this meant to deter me
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway