[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
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Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.