ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
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Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog