Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
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[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.