Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
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I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that