I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
You Might Also Like
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.