[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
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I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.