Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
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I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!