Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
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I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress