Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
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“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
OKAY DAD
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait