I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
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boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
😬
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
what
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.