My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
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There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
it was love at first sight
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me