When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
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Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Sticker placement is key.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.