me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
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Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?