Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
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They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
United Steaks of America
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.