I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
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None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Lol
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”