Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
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I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
gentlemen, hear me out
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy