Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
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I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.