You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
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The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
me hooking up with my ex
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea