Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
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“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)