security at the airport getting more straightforward
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They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
12653.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic