Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
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Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
So inspired right now.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one